How You Make Them Feel

I don't know that my words should take the stage today as I have one of my favorite Maya Angelou quotations to share. May she rest in peace.

Words matter. Actions matter.

But words and actions are just ingredients. 

Nothing is more important than being aware of the way that your words and actions make others feel - because the feels are what form the interaction and bond between us human beings (and even animals!).

Do less harm. 

Do more good. 

Spread your love, your kindness and all of the good feels you can offer. 

Sprinkle that shit everywhere.

Finding My Happy

"Jessi, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"Happy."

I've been on a mission to discover what "happiness" means to me over the past few months and I'm finally ready to share some of the things that I've learned about myself.

At 26 years old I thought that I would know what makes me happy. Fundamentally, I know that I enjoy a sunny day and recognition for a job well done - or flowers just because. But sometimes the world doesn't always show us those sunny days and sometimes the only flowers you get are the ones you buy or grow yourself.

I understood the need to find my happy within myself - the happy that couldn't be controlled by someone or something else.

It's been quite the amazing journey.

For me, finding happiness hasn't been an attempt to make the good things better. It's been discovering the things that make me unhappy and finding ways to cope with them, change the way they impact me and actually turning them into positives.

This process of deconstructing the un-happy has helped to make me less insecure, less guarded, less afraid - and as a result, I've set the foundation to find my true and honest happy place.

Happy is not worrying what others think of me. It's mouthing the words to John Legend's "All of Me" in public (or in the car) and not caring who sees. It's posting another selfie to instagram because I like the way my eyes look - even if it's the fifth consecutive selfie that I've posted in the span of two days.

Happy is writing without reservation. Letting my thoughts get published to the internet was once a scary thing - but now it's exciting. The more I write, the more I find people out there that are just like me. Whether it's something superficial like what kind of eyeliner I use or something serious like how I've blossomed from a breakup - I learn more and more about myself by the community that's unfolded in front of me.  

Happy is wearing less make-up, spending less money on clothes, embracing the way I look in glasses and the way my hair gets frizzy when I've stepped out in the rain without an umbrella. It's putting on clothes in the morning and not standing in front of my closet for another 10 minutes trying to find something that will look better. It's standing in front of the mirror and being proud of the reflection staring back at me.

Happy is taking risks. Seeking rejection. Getting surprised by acceptance. Not setting expectations on the way I think that others should think, feel and react. Happy is forgiving myself. Being honest about what I want.

Happy is stepping out of my scary and stifling 'comfort zone'. Realizing the magic that happens when I test myself and try new things. For example, when I purposefully go to dance class because I have no rhythm, then watching as I improve and even begin to love it. That feeling transfers into other things and helps me to continue to take risks on other things that make me uncomfortable. 

Happy is being comfortable saying no. And being comfortable saying yes. It's having the freedom to make my own decisions because they feel good and they feel right. Not because they're the ones I feel socially pressured to make.  

Happy is shamelessly being me. The goofy, silly, witty, unfiltered me who loves to laugh at myself and loves to laugh with others. Laughter is the key to my heart and the instant way to gain my affection.

Happy is finding the beauty in others. Their imperfections, their quirks, their fears and dreams. Encouraging them to follow their passions - and to be passionate about something. Helping someone else find the happy that they deserve too. Happiness is sharing with others the keys to finding their own happy - whatever that means for them.

I'm proud of the woman I've become and the happiness I continue to pursue.

Hakuna Matata

Hakuna Matata. What a wonderful phrase. 

Don't let that gif offend you, Timon doesn't mean any harm and neither do I.

I invite you to participate in some real-talk for the next four minutes if you care to join me.

February 1st will always be the anniversary of the day I entered adulthood. I'm 26 years old and I have a lot of life, living and learning to do - but February 1, 2014 marks a beginning of gaining perspective, empathy, self-respect, courage, love, honesty, resilience and a hell of a lot of grit.

The past year of my life has been upside-down for so many reasons. My career, my relationships, my friendships, my thoughts, my actions, my dreams and my perception. I look back and the person I see isn't the person I am. The person I see is wounded, faced adversity, hurt others, overlooked reality and lost the value of believing I am more than just good enough. I do not see myself as a victim, but do admit to my inexperience in matters of the heart.

I've set no deadline for the healing that I need to go through as I can't foresee the work and time it will take to build my confidence, strength and trust back up. I'm inexpressibly thankful for the wonderful people around me who can help me rebuild. I want to take time to mend my heart and do my best to mend the hearts of others.

Everything that became so clear to me this weekend brought out so many emotions that I didn't know how to manage them in my fragile and open heart. Through love and friendship and the healing power of golden retriever puppies I've come out on the other side thankful for all of the positive energy in my world.

Because, hell.

I deserve to have dreams. 

I deserve to write my own story. 

I deserve to build my own foundation. 

I deserve to have a voice. 

I deserve love without reservation.

I deserve honesty.
I deserve to choose who shares my world.
I deserve to have a beautiful life.

I have a beautiful life. 

This weekend I spent a few days with my amazing parents who love me unconditionally. I made it to a place in the relationship with my parents that we've never been to before. I removed literally half of my Facebook friends (for various reasons or no reason at all). I went through the pain-in-the-ass exercise of blocking people on Instagram that don't need to know about me. I deleted about 1,000 photos from my iPhone camera roll to remove what doesn't need to live there anymore and also all the sriracha photos for those who know about my fiery addiction. I removed apps that I no longer use and did my best to erase memories that will hold me back from being the confident, strong, self-respecting woman I know I am.

I cleaned my closet and it felt amazing.

This post was written for me. It's one that I will read over and over to remind myself of the way I feel and the person I want to be, but I hope that it's for you too. You deserve everything you've ever dreamed of.

Life is wonderful. Hakuna Matata.