And Somehow He Still Loves Me

Normally on Thursdays we throw it back and I talk about something that's going on in my world today (usually work) that sounds a lot like little Jessi and I include a cute photo from the 90's.

Today we're not going down memory lane, but instead we're going to talk about my guy.

...Actually, before we talk about him I'd like to paint the picture of what the past 4 months has looked like for 'us'.

Starting in April, my job got really serious really quickly. Like, knock me on my face and sit me in front of a computer for 12 hours a day serious. From training new co-workers to taking on more responsibilities that anyone would ever entrust in a 25 year old, my "life" outside of work is really just repairing from all of the hard work I'm putting in and churning out.

We 'used to'...

We used to carpool, we used to run together, we used to head to the coast for the weekend and we used to actually have conversations with each other. We even used to show affection toward one another rather than a kiss on the forehead in passing.

Nowadays, I get home from a 12-14 hour work day (plus up to 2 hours total commute) and can't think to do a single thing.

I don't have the energy to feed the cat, to do laundry, dishes, not even cut an avocado for the smallest portion of our dinners (the dinners that he's prepped over the weekend).

My guy does it all, doesn't complain about it and only asks me for help when he really needs it, because he knows how much I've been through day in and day out and wants to help me... just because he cares.

After all he does for me, I still somehow find it necessary to gripe every single weekend about the amount of time he spends playing golf and working his second job at a golf course. Forgetting about all the time I'm away from him either working or running.

I throw a toddler fit for two reasons: 1. I love spending time with him. 2. I miss laughing every day with my best friend.

Our relationship has had setbacks at the hand of my career this spring and summer - and he has been the most supportive, caring, wonderful guy through all of it.

Tuesday night this week I finally cracked.

Since last week's trip to Canada, I've been low on sleep, developed a twitchy eye (don't lie and tell me it's not noticeable, please tell it how it is and say I look like shit), and was at work with back and forth emails and reports until 9pm Tuesday.

I drove home exhausted - which is probably the equivalent of buzzed - and walked in the door to flowers and candles on the table, a dinner that never happened and shoe boxes stacked up on the side table.

As if the tears I shed on the drive home weren't enough, I dramatically dropped all of my bags onto the floor, wrapped my arms around him and did my worst best ugly cry for 15 minutes straight,  repeating between shuffled breaths how much I love him.

Wouldn't you love him too?

For a guy who does everything and asks for absolutely nothing in return - I can't believe he's still in love with me too.

Dan, you're my everything. Let's have more fun together, please? 

The Truth about Cohabitation

I alluded to sad times last year during this week and I guess I can't really back away from writing this post now.

You've all given me positive feedback about the Boyfriend + Cohabitation posts for the last 20 weeks (TWENTY?) and I'm here to tell the story about our relationship before he moved in with me. A story about when I moved in with him.

Dan and I met in the summer of 2010 through an intramural softball league and didn't exactly hit it off at first sight. He was the 3rd baseman and I was the first basewoman. Any of you who know a thing about intramural softball would know that the 3rd and 1st positions interact a lot. I say we didn't hit it off so well because he'd always short hop me (bruises!) or air mail me (white girl can't jump!) and I just thought he wasn't good at ball. There wasn't much there to kick off a conversation!

Our first memorable interaction was after our team had won first place and went out to celebrate afterward with beer and tots. He conveniently pulled up a chair next to me, cracked every joke he could to have me in stitches and even snuck his way into getting my phone number when I was sharing it with some of the ladies on my team.

From that day on, he and I hit it off easier than I'd ever gelled with a guy before. Conversation flowed seamlessly, we'd meet late for dinner and drinks and wind up closing down wherever we went, no matter how late their hours were. 10pm, 1am, on weeknights! We didn't want to leave one another's company until we were given the glare and the 'you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here' look from the bar/restaurant/pool hall's staff.

These late nights weren't exactly easy on me gramma likes her sleep and one day in early 2011 before an evening meet-up I stopped at Target on the way to dinner and bought a new outfit. The outfit wasn't for the date, it was for work the next morning. I was going to stay the night. I surprised myself with this bold move, mostly because I wasn't the girl that did that type of thing on the regular, but also because my intent wasn't a relationship with Dan.

So, Jessi - what exactly were you trying to accomplish by staying the night with a 'friend' with no intention to date him?

I still can't answer that question. There was something about Dan that brought me comfort, confidence, peace of mind and happiness. That one night staying over turned into two nights a week, turned into me bringing over clothes and buying an extra hair dryer. Then two nights a week turned into more - rearranging his closet to fit more of my things, going to ikea together to install a place where I could get ready in the mornings. Four nights a week then morphed into grocery shopping for the two of us, buying furniture together and making decisions about travel together - and yet I still wasn't his girlfriend. Oh, so that's where 'cohabitation' comes from!

It went so deep as to not having access to my full wardrobe for a year.

Spring of 2011 quickly turned into Summer of 2012, memories, dates, road trips together - and I still wasn't claiming him as my boyfriend. I still hadn't told my parents, friends, co-workers or loved ones that I was involved in a relationship, that I hadn't stepped foot into my own home for months or that I was even dating someone. Someone as special as my Daniel.

If I was Dan I would have quit me a long time before that. I was a jerk.

Late Spring of 2012 Dan's sister called him and excitedly announced that she was engaged! He was so happy for her and at the same time guilt hit me like a brick wall. Was I leading him on? Was he going to start thinking about marriage soon? Is he my forever or was he just the closest chair?

After a hard weekend conversation with my mom just a few days after she met Dan for the first time at my 24 1/2 birthday dinner, I decided that I had to end whatever it was that I was doing. During my conversation with my mom which she will still never forgive me for I didn't confess that I'd been living with him for a year. She sensed from meeting him that we were great friends but that if I wasn't going to date him then I needed to give him space and let him find 'the one'.

Monday May 21st after work I let myself into his home, rolled up my sleeves and removed every last piece of evidence that I'd ever lived there. Through waterfalls of tears I raced up and down the stairs with handfuls of clothing on hangers, duffel bags full of shoes, grocery bags that carried make-up and craft supplies, the kitchen appliances...everything that I'd brought into his home and that we'd made ours. I was in such a hurry because I didn't want his roommate to catch me and even worse for him to catch me.

I was on the road within an hour - my little car was bursting at the seams with bags and shoes, ugly cry/sweaty hair, heartbreak to the max.

I hadn't even given him a hint that I wouldn't be home that night.

At 6:45 I received a text message from him "What can I make us for dinner?" More tears.

I cried myself to sleep that night, I sobbed to my mom on the phone several times, I cried and cried to Dan when we met the next afternoon for lunch to talk through why I'd left. That I was really just scared, that I wasn't his one and he wasn't mine. Sitting there in the restaurant, there was no emotion on his face, no concern for my heartbreak, nothing but an acceptance that what we shared was over and that he wasn't going to spend another minute chasing after my affection. I thought this was where the secret story of our time together would end.

But it didn't.

For days and nights, sitting at my desk or over a simple conversation I'd break into tears over what I felt I'd lost. No, what I'd thrown away.

After suggesting dinners, drinks, lunch, walks in the park, everything to see him - I finally dragged him away from a workout and treated him to seeing The Avengers on a weeknight.

The drive to the theater was silent, during the movie I extended my fingers to hold his hand and instead he handed over the package of twizzlers we'd snuck into the theater. We didn't speak much, and I felt like my window of opportunity was shrinking.

Just one mile before I was to his home and going to have what seemed to be my last face to face conversation with him, I calmly spoke.

"Dan, do you trust me?"  (silly question)

"Uhhh.... " (with that look he gives me)

"Well, I'm a little crazy, but what if we start. over?"

(blank stare).(frustration). "How?"

"Start over! You forget me, I forget you - we forget everything we've ever done together and we just start. over. Right now, see -" I pull out my phone. "This is you in my phone. I've never deleted a single text message from you. Do you trust me?"

"There's no way to start over, Jessi. There isn't."

"Dan! Watch me." Swipes finger across the screen, taps the red bar. "You and everything you've ever been is now deleted in my phone. Now you do it too!"

An uneasy Dan pulls out his phone and with less drama does the same, and away went all of the messages we'd ever shared.

I dropped him off to his home, looked him deep into his eyes and said, "you know where to find me".

And he found me.....

Happily and instantly, we started over.

Week 15: Cohabitation

Disclaimer: I re-read last week's cohabitation post and I don't remember writing any of it, but it sounds like Dan and I had a nice week together!

This week was a lot less time together but I feel like a lot more quality time we were able to spend.

A huge highlight for Dan was picking up a new video game, Injustice; Gods Among Us on Monday night for another midnight launch party. The game is a Mortal Kombat inspired fighting game but with comic book superheroes instead. He's spent a good portion of the week while I've either been running or tapping away at the laptop playing his games like a child on spring break.

Huge spoiler alert - he plays as Batman. Shocking, I know.

A huge help for the week was our weekend food prep! After each long night we had quick and easy meals to fix, and actually we still have a lot remaining for the weekend. Dan has been unbelievably resourceful the past few months as he's found the soup loop <-- technical term --> and brings home the cafeteria's excess soup (for free) when the options are delectable. Last night and the night before were sausage lentil then barley mushroom.

(Free) Soup is the key to my heart.

1. Somewhere over the Ross Island Bridge we saw a double rainbow

2. Minty fresh outfit with grayling jewelry + signature curly hair

3. Salmon burgers (costco) with mozzarella + avocado made by my sweetheart

4. Chocolate dipped strawberries for a work birthday potluck

I've been proud of myself for getting 12 miles in on weeknights so far this week - I have warmer temperatures and longer nights to thank - but most importantly the love and support constantly given to me by my wonderful Daniel.

This weekend Dan will be up and away practicing for his big birthday weekend golf tournament. I want him to do well so I'm all for his extra time hitting the links - good luck, babe!

Week 6: Cohabitation

I know you've missed this post topic... I've missed writing it!

I also know that you just had an earful from me yesterday about how my love for Daniel has evolved over the past few years, but that doesn't mean that there's nothing left to talk about in our adventures together with cohabitation.

First of all, Dan and I have both been working very hard lately and are finding it difficult to get everything done in the week. Looking at my running log the majority of my mileage has been on the weekends and will need to continue being that way - which really makes it difficult in this short month! Having this feeling of a time constraint made us a little reluctant to go out and celebrate so we opted for a wonderful candlelight dinner at home and made our Lent commitment that we are giving up eating dinner in front of the TV! This is a huge goal for us and I'm looking forward to making more eye contact with my sweetie and making every meal special with him.

Remember when I stood behind him saying that he could cook? Bam:

I didn't even have to lift a finger!

Other amazing eats have all taken place on the weekends and mostly in the form of breakfast. We won't be able to enjoy breakfast together this weekend unfortunately because Dan will have to go in for work one and hopefully not two days - which makes me sad. What makes me really happy was this ultra tasty scramble that again he whipped up and had ready for me on Sunday after my 10 miler.

Other eats included pancakes to celebrate national pancake day and made use of the rest of the Otto's meats that we had remaining from the Super Bowl!!

I've failed to write to one of the favorite parts of my last two weeks - last Thursday's meal with my mom, dad, Bailey and Dan. We arrived to their house in the evening after a long day of work and were instantly greeted by the smiling and silly face of sister Bailey who is in love with my man and shows no shame for it. We entered the kitchen that smelled of lasagna, there were wine glasses set at the table and tasty olive bread + salad among different serving utensils that Dan had gifted my mom for Christmas.

My mom makes the most incredible lasagna and the photo you see below does not do it justice. I couldn't even put my fork down to show you all of the wonderful layers of veggies, noodles, ricotta cheese and lean meats. I have a feeling that I'm going to need to make it for Dan soon or he will leave me to find someone else who can.

You will also see the precious face below of Miss Purple who is the current topic of conversation around the house as mom weighs out the thought of keeping Bailey as her one and only daughter living in the house or if she wants to add the beautiful half-sister of Bailey yet to be named. More to come on that - I'm waiting on the edge of my seat!

I think she'd fit in perfectly! 

Since you also haven't seen any living-together updates from me I'm happy to announce that Tiger is still lively and swimming around without a care. His favorites are displaying for Dan and I when we put our fingers over his water (flaring his gills!), sleeping on top of the heater, chasing us around for pellets, blowing bubbles and looking beautiful. Dan and I are very happy that we adopted him and think of him often.

We seem to live for the weekends lately and this is absolutely no exception. I've got some running to get after to catch up for the month, focus on some of my Eight Great Goals, catch up on some rest and do a lot more of this:

<3 JE