Three in Tennessee

The past three months of life in Tennessee have been good to me. 

From the start of the epic road trip across eight states, I've had a hundred new, exciting, frightening and humbling experiences. A terrifying leap was taken into the unknown that included quitting my steady job, leaving my family behind and donating many of my belongings to Goodwill. A risk, which may have appeared to others as a train off its tracks, that I was willing to take to follow my heart. A risk that had no certainty in a successful outcome, and quite honestly still doesn't. 

Without this terrifying yet perfect-for-me life moment, I wouldn't know what was possible.

With a long distance love, everything you do and every time you see each other after weeks can seem like the most magical experience possible. The texts as you're still descending in an aircraft, the holy-sh*t-i-can-feel-your-presence goosebumps, the first sighting, the first touch, the first passionate kiss, the insatiable desire for one another.

My fear was that this could possibly disappear if I were to plant my roots in Tennessee.

Who wouldn't be afraid of losing a touch of this magic while establishing a routine? Waking up together, working together, eating lunch together, walking to coffee together, grocery shopping together, sweating together, falling asleep together. Just to do it all over again the next day? Snore?

To my surprise and far-exceeding my expectations, it's not a snore at all. It's amazing! The past three months have given me every bit of validation that this choice was the right one to make. While everything may not be picture perfect, I've seen the importance of teamwork, communication, respect, honesty, laughter, silliness and adventure.

Adventure comes in many forms for us. A new restaurant, a new TV show, a different haircut.

Just Friday at lunch we were discussing our evening plans of gym, grocery needs and planned exit from the office. While this is my ideal Friday agenda, I went out on a limb and suggested a quick road trip to Nashville for the night.

For the night and right after work without already packing? To spend all that money on just a place to rest our heads and order late night post-bar calzones? He initially hesitated at the thought, but within a minute there was a huge grin on his face and the glimmer of Nashville's lights in his eyes. 

A spontaneous weekend trip to spend some frivolous cash is why we have an adventure budget (also funded by things like our ice cream tax, losers of Uno games and under the table sports betting).

We drove, we sang, we danced, we snuggled, we ate, we laughed, we drank, we planned, we goofed. We shared a triumphant ending to the night slow-dancing to a country cover of "I Want it That Way". We even squeezed in a trip to Trader Joe's that I wasn't expecting until our Oregon vacation coming up in 8 sleeps.

I'm a big fan of this new life and look forward to what the next three months have in store, no matter how they look.

Mine Again in Memphis

When I left Portland I knew there were some things I was leaving behind for good.

Family, ClassPass and Trader Joe's were at the top of my list. No sales tax, gas station attendants and standing workstations were next. I'd already bid my farewells to straight hair among the humidity and goodbye to rain boots because of all the rumors I heard about scorching summers in the south.

While I don't see my family - or ClassPass and gas attendants - moving to Memphis anytime soon, here's some things that returned to my life in the past 10 days. It's really true; if you love something let it go. If it comes back it was meant to be.

+ A big beautiful if-this-is-a-prank-im-going-postal thing happened last week in the form of a news article suggesting all systems are GO on adding a Trader Joe's to the place I've been planting my Oregonian roots. This article's validity may even influence the area of town I'll invest in for the beginnings of a very-very-far-away future family. I have the customer service phone number - and will share it with you too - so that I can call and express my excitement for this location's consideration.

+ I am the world's worst sit at a desk all day kind of girl. I find myself so thankful for the many daily meetings I have that are standing room only and the fact that I'm so insignificant and don't need a seat at the table. For three weeks now I've been pushing through sore hips, tight shoulders, and an achy back while I ask co-workers how they possibly sit all day. I describe to them this magical world of Portland hippies at Nike World Headquarters who appreciate workplace ergonomics and offer alternate workstations and alignment consultations to any employee that wants it. I found exactly what I was looking for in the most unconventional and anti-social location. The cafeteria. No, I'm not forever hungry if you have to go find me there, I'm just taking care of my muscles.

+ By default I just made some new best buddies last week who love to drink, eat, trash talk my boyfriend and watch football. Considering that I'm singlehandedly the best trash talker and hater of my guy in a public setting, I fit right in. I participated in my very first Fantasy Football draft and didn't adopt any crazy-girly strategy like what player looks best in football pants, but came out with a B+ grading from Yahoo's point of view. That's one level up from the boy's grading of just a "B".

+ I've never seen so much rain in the summer. I thought I wouldn't need any rain boots in my new world, but I've had to wear jackets and sweaters just to keep warm and dry this month. Southern summers, what? No, I didn't bring Portland with me. I don't know that I've ever seen rain in August in Portland. In fact, the entire Northwest is up in flames this month from the wildfires and unusual temperatures.

+ I thought that the words 'nature' and 'outdoors' were gone from my vocabulary, but this past weekend we headed West to a gorgeous lake house in Arkansas and soaked up some water, trees, and sun rays. I learned to ride and operate a jet ski, boarded a pontoon boat in person, laid in this hammock and snuggled on this guy all weekend. We are heading back as soon as possible if you didn't already gather that I loved this weekend and everything about it.

Family? ClassPass? Who's next to join me here in Tennessee?

2,438 Miles

It feels taboo and inconsiderate to publish anything other than confessions on a Wednesday, but I know you'll understand when you realize that this post is about the 2,438 mile road trip to my new home with the love of my life. 

Eight days ago I woke up with an overwhelming sense of happiness. That morning I realized that it was zero sleeps until my long distance boyfriend was coming to Portland with a one-way ticket and was prepared to drive us away to my new home. It was also the last day eve at my dream company and it was a terrifying leap of faith into the distance.  Literally.

Packing up the essentials for my first three weeks and many goodbyes with my family meant that I left work on my final day without looking back, not even to see that swoosh I long ago wanted tattooed on my body. Not even to leave from my favorite waterfall exit. Not even to drink the Kool-aid once more. My sights were set on spending my last hours in Portland with the ones I love who love me back unconditionally. 

The planned route was simple enough. Portland to Salt Lake City. Salt Lake City to Denver. Denver all the way through Kansas and Missouri to St. Louis. St. Louis to Memphis. Home. This journey on the map was 2,400 miles not accounting for the actual addresses of the hotels and houses we stopped at along the way. 

I've known it all along, but I want to tell you that life with this man is fun. The hours, the miles, the money and the achy muscles were all worth the incredible memories we'll have of this start of our lives together. We kept the trip exciting with wagers on slug bugs we'd see, cuss words out of our mouths and money we'd spend. We gave kisses for yellow cars and pets for long stretches of road. We laughed hysterically over my inexperience with pumping gas, driving long distance, depositing money at a bank and just life in general that I haven't been exposed to. 

We sighed repeatedly over the wow-this-is-really-happening euphoria we both felt the entire trip. 

These sillies along with an amazing stay with Marisa and Noah in Denver, a few thousand bugs splattered on my car, two tumbleweeds bouncing along the interstate, a booming fireworks display, a Cardinals win, some real Southern dining and zero speeding tickets made this adventure an incredible start of our lives together.

Since I've been here, I've been a busy bear. I became a member at the local gym, have taken advantage of free barre classes at a brand new studio, found a Trader Joe's impostor called Sprouts Farmer's Market that I'm going to love, replaced my iPhone after a broken screen along the way, broke a window with a dart (I'm not allowed to throw from the kitchen anymore), washed my dirty car and started making the apartment a beautiful space where we can create more wonderful memories. 

Maybe the greatest thing since I've been here was the long FaceTime with my parents on our first night. Not only was it great to see them and hear their voices, but it was heartwarming to finally be on the same side of the FaceTime screen. 

I've only begun exploring but I think I'm going to fall in love with my new home. 

My Valentine

Going into the weekend I thought that Netflix would be the one I would give my heart to for Valentine's Day. 

This heart, the one that I made out of semi-sweet chocolate chips and an attempt with a calligraphy pen.

It started off that way - we flirted a little bit Friday night, exchanged glances, maybe a bit more but I promised that I'd never tell. 

When I woke up Saturday morning with feelings of regret and shame, I realized I'd been lying in bed for 15 hours, and also lying to myself about what I really wanted in a relationship. Netflix was always there for me, giving me anything I needed, helping me through the hard times, always offering me something new - but never challenging me. Always comfortable to be with, but never moving me forward. 

Then I remembered how deeply I wanted a swole-mate to have my whey with... so I took my opportunity to work out with ClassPass and made it a weekend full of loving me - body, mind and soul! I dated my sexy muscles. Gave them the love and attention they deserve. Took them out on the town and did them good. 

Where'd we go?

Saturday:

Pure Barre - Holy what, you barre girls are crazy and have powerful pelvic muscles. I liked... a lot. 

Sunday: 

Aspire Total Fitness - Bodypump hit my arms and shoulders just right.

The Grinning Yogi - Chill Flow for some good vibes, easy transitions and that deep stretch love. I even made it a date and invited Caitlin to come along too! 

Don't forget the part where I made this spinach, bacon, avocado, yummy something salad. I washed it down with only one glass of wine. No, I didn't spell "bottle" wrong. Glass. 

My Sunday morning workout thanked me for it. 

I can't picture a better weekend more full of love. Love of body, love of self, love of mind!

Also love of SNL40, that was pretty silly for the bit I was able to stay awake for.

How was your lovely weekend?

The Girls Weekend

This weekend the Pacific Northwest decided to show off it's beauty by teasing everyone with sun, warmth and good spring-like vibes. I can't remember any days in January that have ever been so beautiful and it was an amazing feeling to leave the jacket at home and get out into the world for some fresh air. 

Not only was the weather awesome, I was lucky enough to spend a few days with family and minimal work demands. Me, mom and the golden sisters enjoyed the sunny weather with walking, talking, upgrading and eating good clean Paleo while dad and brother were enjoying a guys weekend up north in Seattle. 

Weekends like these make me so thankful for the relationship that my mom and I have built over our years together. We made it through the bratty teenage years, the you-don't-know-anything years, the you-know-everything-but-I-still-don't-want-to-hear-you years and even the scary time where I wanted nothing to do with my mom for reasons that only I was responsible for driving between us. Thank goodness that scary window of time was only a few short months, but being that it hasn't been a year since that time and that we have come out of it on the other side so strong just fills my heart and makes me value the crazy strong importance of family. 

Weekends like these also make me realize I don't spend nearly enough time with the ones I love. These times remind me that I need to keep finding ways to "fill the tank" with the good vibes from good people. There's been too much drain, run-around, worry, stress, and empty promises for this girl and the name of the game is "Avoid People that Suck". 

You'll always find people that suck (energy, time, life, just plain suck), but when you find the ones that you can trust to do you good, hold on tight and make it a point to fill your life with their positive energy. Also make it a point to not be the "suck" in others lives. It's just the right thing to do. 

Moral of the story: Don't be a suck.

Merry & Bright

This weekend I didn't go pick out a tree, I didn't hang the stockings, reminisce over cherished ornaments or wrap any gifts to go under the tree. I didn't hang lights outside and I may have lights strung around my room but those have been there all year long. 

However, I did take the time to get down and dirty with one of my secret guilty pleasures; Sending mail by hand.

Nothing beats the simple joys of hand-writing letters, adding special personal touches, asking loved ones for their current address and slapping your coveted forever stamps onto the envelopes. Especially when it's done on a Sunday while you're sipping coffee out of your favorite sleepy panda mug that good friends like Brooke gifted to you.  

Since sending these cards, I've been doing all that I can to make my December Merry and Bright - more coming up on that soon once I get the crazy of this work-week out of my way and in the rear-view. 

Just about the only thing that beats sending holiday cheer via postage is receiving it. Don't you agree?

Keep feeling those merry & bright vibes this holiday season!

5 Things From the Weekend

It's been many long weeks since the last time I opened up a Monday with a weekend recap. 

I usually wait until Tuesday to show my face in blog world, but this time I'm taking advantage of a warm and cozy meatloaf-eating/beer-drinking/candle-lighting night to hit you with all the knowledge that was gained this weekend. 

:: When the new bakery opens up in the building you practically grew up in, you need to spend some time in there on your laptop, drinking an almond milk latte and taking selfies in front of exposed brick to make the day complete. Goes well with greasy braided hair and a sleeved floral dress.

:: Long distance relationships are hard, but the couple that watches Tosh.0 together stays together or something like that.  I learned that this is what it looks like when we watch a show and eat dinner together.

:: I learned that the penguin that I gushed over last week has some other admirers - according to the 37 Reviews (pending mine to make it 38) on the Toys 'R Us Website. I read them out loud to Willie and he liked all of them except for the boyfriend who regrets getting it for his girlfriend because she'd rather cuddle her penguin friend than him. 

:: I'm in an NCAA Football Pick 'em league with a bunch of SEC boys - and while I've performed horribly the past 7 weeks, I finally hit my stride in Week 8 with a break-away victory (tied 4 ways, but won the breaker) and more importantly $25 via PayPal. However, money via PayPal is a wash because it's all monopoly money to be thrown into the next league's buy-in. 

:: Two words: Drunk History. 

If you haven't seen these I suggest you start right here.

That's all we have here today, friends - hey look I used two gifs!

Are you linking up with Katie today?

Silence is Better

Twenty days sober. 

I'll be getting a little personal today, so if feels aren't your thing then you've been warned to avoid the mush below.

Today we're talking about my sobriety from a boy who has cooties.

Ha, sorry - you didn't think I was talking about booze did you? Oh no, I've had my fair share of imbibing this month thank you, dinner whoring. 

I'm twenty days sober from a love that swept me off my feet. A love where two souls were drawn together by magnetic force.

In what felt like the fastest six months of my life, we met, we fell in love, we started to plan a future and abruptly struggled to find the words to say goodbye. Twenty days ago after much trial and error, we finally figured out how.

How could I say goodbye to the one who made my heart beat a little faster? The one who made my feathers puff out to their fullest? Goodbye to the one who encouraged me to be unapologetic about being the quirky and awkward Jessi I can be? The one who changed the way I look at myself and the way I look at others?

Silence. That's how.

One of the first things my long-distance lover gave me was a magical pair of rose-colored glasses. These glasses that he convinced me to wear gave the world a different girl than the one you see today. They made me believe that I had found the very best for me. That I had accomplished everything I was ever going to. They made me believe love was enough. They stifled my vision of a beautiful family that was all my own.

The greatest injustice that these glasses did was that they actually made me close my eyes.

Late in the month of January this year he decided to let me take the glasses off. I blinked my eyes and finally got a glimpse of the reality I'd ignored. I could see the life I was giving up. I could see the dreams that were no longer within reach.

I could see, which meant that my eyes were finally open. 

Quite ironically, he was the one who convinced me to have the strength to never settle. Opening my eyes made me realize that a future with him would be exactly that; settling.

So for twenty days now, there's been silence.

No contact, no communication, no ignored texts and no missed calls.

This doesn't mean texts haven't been drafted or songs that mean something haven't been played. It doesn't mean that this blog isn't what he reads first thing in the morning or my instagram isn't the last thing he checks at night. But it does mean that I'm on the road to recovery and I've never felt better.

And do you want to know some amazing things have come from this blissful silence?

- More focus at work

- Quiet time to myself in the evenings (to find gifs and Netflix binge, duh)

- Freedom to date (Sup, Portland?)

- Better workouts

- More beautiful blog friends (and more amazing comments each and every day)

Thanks for sticking around with me today. 

20 days is a huge milestone and it feels like I'm onto something. 

Enjoy the silence, friends.

Music to my Heart

Happy Thursday, friends and loves. 

So I know tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I'm single, but that doesn't mean I can't join in on some of the fun. I've only had a few valentine's with a "somebody" and can say that the ones I've spent single have been a million times better. Yes, dates and cards and flowers are wonderful and thoughtful - but what's even better is the alleviation of the gifting pressure. 

I am a romantic at heart and believe that the way you treat your sweetheart should be the same all days of the year, not just this one. But I also believe that the day shouldn't go forgotten for your family, friends and lovers. 

Edit: Is it still a thing where you have to give every single person a valentine in elementary school? I remember how awkward it was to make sure that the most platonic, high-five and not kisses cards went to the grossest boys in class. And you'd tape on the bad candy. And you'd maybe purposefully mess up the spelling of their name. Nobody else? Anyone? 

Back to the topic that I haven't gotten to yet.

Ever since my first suitor in 5th grade gave me the Titanic Soundtrack as an "I like you a lot" gift, I have found a lot of meaning in speaking this language of love to others through songs. Curating playlists, whether they are motivational, sentimental, passive-aggressive - I always feel like my emotions are better said in a collection of songs. 

The five I'm going to share with you are love to the core, love forever, be mine always songs. You've been warned! 

Baby I Want You : Amos Lee

Wanted : Hunter Hayes

All of Me : John Legend

You're the One That I Want : Angus & Julia Stone

At Last : Etta James

Now go out there and share the love <3

TED Tuesday: Why We Love

Today we are going to let Helen Fisher talk to us about love.

I almost feel like this topic is on my blog a little too soon, but I'm happy to share it with you today.

You may have noticed the recent change in my life, blog headers and the absence of any mention of the man I used to call 'my wonderful boyfriend'. It's true, we are no longer together.

It's also true that my priorities were very wrong the past year with non-stop devotion to work, compulsive running and an enthusiastic  dive into the blogging world. It's true that we fell out of what I thought was love and it's true that I was often misleading to you here in this space with how happy we were together. It's true that I've hurt a wonderful man and true that hindsight really is 20/20.

Our separation in the short term has hurt through many of my actions and some of his words - but in the long term I hope that both of us can strive to find a romantic love, like the one that Helen speaks to in today's 23 minute video.

Let's take the focus away from me now and switch the lens to our video today - talking about the 'simplicity' of Romantic love.

Throughout this life you will find one person (and maybe many people) who captivate you, mesmerize you and turn your world upside down. All of your focus and all of your thoughts are fixated on this person. Not only is this person perfect in your eyes, but no matter their visible faults and undeniable baggage you are able to look beyond the bad and fixate on the qualities which you adore, admire and hope to have in a lifetime partnership. 

Helen reminds us that romantic love is an intense craving. Much more than a sexual attraction, you emotionally and willfully give your everything to another. You share secrets, you motivate, you support. Even more innocently you want this person to call you on the phone, to invite you out to dinner, tell you how much they care about you.

If you have found romantic love, you've unlocked a powerful human emotion that has been a part of our lives since the start of human existence.

If you haven't found it - don't be ashamed to want it in this meaningful and important lifetime of yours.

Welcome Back, JumpingJE

Good morning friends and family! It's great to be back.

I returned from another week in Toronto on Saturday to the sight of this handsome man who loves me with all his heart. Melt (not just from the summer heat!)

Flowers, treats and a sign (not pictured) made me feel like a special lady at the end of a difficult week - he's the greatest.

Okay, so I'm not the first one to have this question in blog land but can all Mondays be like yesterday? It was amazing.

Dan and I went to mom and dad's house to enjoy breakfast, play with puppies and give me additional excuses to stay away from my laptop for a few more hours. Just a few.

My mom has been religiously paleo for the past 4 months and looks amazing - she's my inspiration to get back on the serious wagon because these travel weeks have been rough on the physique (ahem - pizza, sandwiches, beer, greek food). First step is getting all of the right foods back in the house to support my clean eating aspirations so I'm not trapped in my own home with a pantry full of vices. My guy loves carbs, sugars, salt and snacks. There was not a vegetable to be found when I returned home Saturday.

Okay maybe some old carrots. Those don't count.

The ultimate best thing this week brings is my boss. It's been 5 weeks since he was last in the office and I'm thrilled he enjoyed a wonderful sabbatical, but seriously have missed his support and him being the 'shield' for our strong and resilient team. It'll be another busy month, but I'm happy to take it on - Jessi style.

Get here soon Friday - I need some more of these good sleeps that only a weekend can provide!

Jessi

One Year Anniversary

To be honest it feels like an eternity (in a good way) that my Daniel and I have been together.

Today, however, is what we have chosen to mark as our official one year, all thanks to a relationship status upgrade on our Facebook accounts (yes, seriously)

The two year courtship from Summer 2010 to Summer 2012 is what makes it hard to believe that we are officially celebrating a year, but August 19th is our special day because we shouted our togetherness to the world, a significant step in our time spent together.

If you haven't been around here for very long I recommend reading this post first - it gives you some context around our relationship before the blog.

Daniel,

Thank you for being my companion, my best friend and my love.. . I can't explain how the past three years of knowing you have changed my world.

You're my everything and I feel the same from you (except sometimes I think you like golf just a little bit more).

Every day you make me laugh, every day I love you more and every day I think of how much I'll never be satisfied with the time I'll have with you.

Thank you for always supporting my career, my blog, my dreams and my decisions. Thank you for being an amazing father to our water and fur children (Holly and Tiger).

I can't wait to make more memories with you for years and years Daniel <3

Phew, sorry for the sap-fest blogland - yes, you can vom a little. 

From the past year, here's a great dump of "us" photos - together, across from each other and drinking in "two's".

And Somehow He Still Loves Me

Normally on Thursdays we throw it back and I talk about something that's going on in my world today (usually work) that sounds a lot like little Jessi and I include a cute photo from the 90's.

Today we're not going down memory lane, but instead we're going to talk about my guy.

...Actually, before we talk about him I'd like to paint the picture of what the past 4 months has looked like for 'us'.

Starting in April, my job got really serious really quickly. Like, knock me on my face and sit me in front of a computer for 12 hours a day serious. From training new co-workers to taking on more responsibilities that anyone would ever entrust in a 25 year old, my "life" outside of work is really just repairing from all of the hard work I'm putting in and churning out.

We 'used to'...

We used to carpool, we used to run together, we used to head to the coast for the weekend and we used to actually have conversations with each other. We even used to show affection toward one another rather than a kiss on the forehead in passing.

Nowadays, I get home from a 12-14 hour work day (plus up to 2 hours total commute) and can't think to do a single thing.

I don't have the energy to feed the cat, to do laundry, dishes, not even cut an avocado for the smallest portion of our dinners (the dinners that he's prepped over the weekend).

My guy does it all, doesn't complain about it and only asks me for help when he really needs it, because he knows how much I've been through day in and day out and wants to help me... just because he cares.

After all he does for me, I still somehow find it necessary to gripe every single weekend about the amount of time he spends playing golf and working his second job at a golf course. Forgetting about all the time I'm away from him either working or running.

I throw a toddler fit for two reasons: 1. I love spending time with him. 2. I miss laughing every day with my best friend.

Our relationship has had setbacks at the hand of my career this spring and summer - and he has been the most supportive, caring, wonderful guy through all of it.

Tuesday night this week I finally cracked.

Since last week's trip to Canada, I've been low on sleep, developed a twitchy eye (don't lie and tell me it's not noticeable, please tell it how it is and say I look like shit), and was at work with back and forth emails and reports until 9pm Tuesday.

I drove home exhausted - which is probably the equivalent of buzzed - and walked in the door to flowers and candles on the table, a dinner that never happened and shoe boxes stacked up on the side table.

As if the tears I shed on the drive home weren't enough, I dramatically dropped all of my bags onto the floor, wrapped my arms around him and did my worst best ugly cry for 15 minutes straight,  repeating between shuffled breaths how much I love him.

Wouldn't you love him too?

For a guy who does everything and asks for absolutely nothing in return - I can't believe he's still in love with me too.

Dan, you're my everything. Let's have more fun together, please? 

Kitty at My Foot and I Wanna Touch It

So hear me out.

I grew up with many types of animals in my childhood, from fish, hamsters, guinea pigs, dogs and don't forget the countless tadpoles I'd collect during my summers at the lake cabin.

But.... I've never had a cat and especially no experience with a 13 week old kitten.

Mom's allergic and I'd taken care of older cats when their owners were on vacation, but they never wanted to interact with me.

At first I thought these cats were judging my cold 18-21 year old soul, but then realized that cats are happy to contemplate life on their own while batting away at feathers and catnip-laced mice.

Well that Holly girl of ours, she's a different animal.

Now that we've had her cute little face around for three weeks, how's she adapting?

1. She's Crazy

The most common noise we hear in the house is "th-thump-tha-thump-th-thump-thump". The pitter patter of her little paws is music against our hardwood floors and creates so much distraction from the everyday stresses.

2. She's Cuddly

Kitten, she is - so there's plenty of playtime going on in this house, but when she's tired she has no hesitation to come up to Dan and me to snuggle, and will even roll herself into a blanket to get an extra heater running with that motor-purr of hers.

3. She's Pensive

This girl, she's a damn philosopher. Look at her so casually looking out the window. Then you see the left corner of the image and she's really just watching me and that big scary camera of mine and wondering why it's been following her around.

4. She's Jams

A perfect photo followed by a perfect edit job by my brother and Holly is a legend.

Strapless Hello Kitty guitar while learning how to play Kitty like a boss.

5. As if it were any surprise.... She's going to be spoiled, hard!

Sleeping in Dan's lap with those big beautiful eyes, he gets all of the ladies to fall for him doesn't he?

I love this new addition to the family and I can't wait to watch my furry daughter grow up into a strong, independent, mysterious, curious and impenetrable goddess, just like her mother.

Happy Weekend!

The Truth about Cohabitation

I alluded to sad times last year during this week and I guess I can't really back away from writing this post now.

You've all given me positive feedback about the Boyfriend + Cohabitation posts for the last 20 weeks (TWENTY?) and I'm here to tell the story about our relationship before he moved in with me. A story about when I moved in with him.

Dan and I met in the summer of 2010 through an intramural softball league and didn't exactly hit it off at first sight. He was the 3rd baseman and I was the first basewoman. Any of you who know a thing about intramural softball would know that the 3rd and 1st positions interact a lot. I say we didn't hit it off so well because he'd always short hop me (bruises!) or air mail me (white girl can't jump!) and I just thought he wasn't good at ball. There wasn't much there to kick off a conversation!

Our first memorable interaction was after our team had won first place and went out to celebrate afterward with beer and tots. He conveniently pulled up a chair next to me, cracked every joke he could to have me in stitches and even snuck his way into getting my phone number when I was sharing it with some of the ladies on my team.

From that day on, he and I hit it off easier than I'd ever gelled with a guy before. Conversation flowed seamlessly, we'd meet late for dinner and drinks and wind up closing down wherever we went, no matter how late their hours were. 10pm, 1am, on weeknights! We didn't want to leave one another's company until we were given the glare and the 'you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here' look from the bar/restaurant/pool hall's staff.

These late nights weren't exactly easy on me gramma likes her sleep and one day in early 2011 before an evening meet-up I stopped at Target on the way to dinner and bought a new outfit. The outfit wasn't for the date, it was for work the next morning. I was going to stay the night. I surprised myself with this bold move, mostly because I wasn't the girl that did that type of thing on the regular, but also because my intent wasn't a relationship with Dan.

So, Jessi - what exactly were you trying to accomplish by staying the night with a 'friend' with no intention to date him?

I still can't answer that question. There was something about Dan that brought me comfort, confidence, peace of mind and happiness. That one night staying over turned into two nights a week, turned into me bringing over clothes and buying an extra hair dryer. Then two nights a week turned into more - rearranging his closet to fit more of my things, going to ikea together to install a place where I could get ready in the mornings. Four nights a week then morphed into grocery shopping for the two of us, buying furniture together and making decisions about travel together - and yet I still wasn't his girlfriend. Oh, so that's where 'cohabitation' comes from!

It went so deep as to not having access to my full wardrobe for a year.

Spring of 2011 quickly turned into Summer of 2012, memories, dates, road trips together - and I still wasn't claiming him as my boyfriend. I still hadn't told my parents, friends, co-workers or loved ones that I was involved in a relationship, that I hadn't stepped foot into my own home for months or that I was even dating someone. Someone as special as my Daniel.

If I was Dan I would have quit me a long time before that. I was a jerk.

Late Spring of 2012 Dan's sister called him and excitedly announced that she was engaged! He was so happy for her and at the same time guilt hit me like a brick wall. Was I leading him on? Was he going to start thinking about marriage soon? Is he my forever or was he just the closest chair?

After a hard weekend conversation with my mom just a few days after she met Dan for the first time at my 24 1/2 birthday dinner, I decided that I had to end whatever it was that I was doing. During my conversation with my mom which she will still never forgive me for I didn't confess that I'd been living with him for a year. She sensed from meeting him that we were great friends but that if I wasn't going to date him then I needed to give him space and let him find 'the one'.

Monday May 21st after work I let myself into his home, rolled up my sleeves and removed every last piece of evidence that I'd ever lived there. Through waterfalls of tears I raced up and down the stairs with handfuls of clothing on hangers, duffel bags full of shoes, grocery bags that carried make-up and craft supplies, the kitchen appliances...everything that I'd brought into his home and that we'd made ours. I was in such a hurry because I didn't want his roommate to catch me and even worse for him to catch me.

I was on the road within an hour - my little car was bursting at the seams with bags and shoes, ugly cry/sweaty hair, heartbreak to the max.

I hadn't even given him a hint that I wouldn't be home that night.

At 6:45 I received a text message from him "What can I make us for dinner?" More tears.

I cried myself to sleep that night, I sobbed to my mom on the phone several times, I cried and cried to Dan when we met the next afternoon for lunch to talk through why I'd left. That I was really just scared, that I wasn't his one and he wasn't mine. Sitting there in the restaurant, there was no emotion on his face, no concern for my heartbreak, nothing but an acceptance that what we shared was over and that he wasn't going to spend another minute chasing after my affection. I thought this was where the secret story of our time together would end.

But it didn't.

For days and nights, sitting at my desk or over a simple conversation I'd break into tears over what I felt I'd lost. No, what I'd thrown away.

After suggesting dinners, drinks, lunch, walks in the park, everything to see him - I finally dragged him away from a workout and treated him to seeing The Avengers on a weeknight.

The drive to the theater was silent, during the movie I extended my fingers to hold his hand and instead he handed over the package of twizzlers we'd snuck into the theater. We didn't speak much, and I felt like my window of opportunity was shrinking.

Just one mile before I was to his home and going to have what seemed to be my last face to face conversation with him, I calmly spoke.

"Dan, do you trust me?"  (silly question)

"Uhhh.... " (with that look he gives me)

"Well, I'm a little crazy, but what if we start. over?"

(blank stare).(frustration). "How?"

"Start over! You forget me, I forget you - we forget everything we've ever done together and we just start. over. Right now, see -" I pull out my phone. "This is you in my phone. I've never deleted a single text message from you. Do you trust me?"

"There's no way to start over, Jessi. There isn't."

"Dan! Watch me." Swipes finger across the screen, taps the red bar. "You and everything you've ever been is now deleted in my phone. Now you do it too!"

An uneasy Dan pulls out his phone and with less drama does the same, and away went all of the messages we'd ever shared.

I dropped him off to his home, looked him deep into his eyes and said, "you know where to find me".

And he found me.....

Happily and instantly, we started over.

Throwback Thursday: May Rain

So I know we were parading and dancing around a few weeks ago from all of the beautiful weather.

Our trip to the coast felt like we were in Mexico, I was shopping and worrying about what to wear professionally that wouldn't be too hot for summer (buh-bye, tights!) and looking forward to shorts and flip flops out on the patio in the evening relaxing and entertaining around the grill.

Fast forward a few short weeks and instead we're experiencing some'a this and some more'a this:

Something strange about me that you may have seen on here before is that I love the rain.

The soothing rhythm of the raindrops on rooftops, my opportunity to wear my Hunter Boots, the amazing excuse to drink 2-3 cups of coffee just to warm up. Lovely moments to look forward to.

My only true rain-related rants are that somehow other drivers don't know how to drive in the rain, my hair doesn't do well with moisture (both humidity and rain) and that Dan doesn't seem to love the rain as much as I do... which makes me happy because when it's raining he won't spend all day playing golf.

This week it's also making me happy that it's raining for reasons I'll do my best to explain tomorrow. Last year this week in particular was a difficult one for me emotionally, so it makes me happy that Dan and I have been curling up together under blankets, enjoying our evenings together and talking about how happy we are to be together.

Today's Throwback Thursday is brought to you by a little girl who knew it was fun to romp around in the rain, cuddle up close with a loved one and give her cutest little mischievous glance; no poncho necessary.

Beach Getaway

This weekend at the coast was unbelievable.

Not only was there a lot of quality family time, the weather was perfect and we truly felt like we were in Southern California and dare I say it - Mexico!

After a long week of working hard, this image about sums it up:

Getting rays down by the sand, taking naps on the porch, watching puppies run wild and eating tasty foods can make any weekend spectacular - I thankfully got to experience all of these!

Little lady Bella is still getting acclimated to the harsh ocean waves and it was fun to watch her curiosity as Bailey and Dad played in the surf.

She saw how much fun her sister was having out there in the waves so she stood on all fours and we could tell that she was processing what her next move would be.

It wasn't natural or instinctive, but when she decided she would jump in - she went at it full force!

A day at the coast isn't the same without puppy camaraderie and expert hole-diggin'!

In no time these two struck water and rested in the shallow pool they had created.

For such a gorgeous weekend we were lucky enough to find empty patches of sand where the puppies could run free.

If only every weekend on the Oregon Coast looked and felt as wonderful as this. Thanks Mom and Dad for letting us enjoy your home!