The Early Morning

Sunday morning I woke up too early. 

My eyes felt heavy.

A deep inhale invited fresh air into my lungs while I forced my eyes open to the morning in front of me.

The blurry glow of red Christmas lights above me reassured me that I was in my own bed. They've been strung around my room since last December and I continue to sleep under their glow most nights no matter what my electricity bill reflects. 

The blurriness of the lights was also proof of my success in taking my contacts out the night before, a small victory by my standards. 

Reaching over to my nightstand for my phone, the sight of a half-full bottle of cider reminded me of the tears that ran down my face no less than five hours before. 

The tears that had dried on my pillowcase by morning were for nothing in particular. Their presence represented a sincere collection of feelings I've been trying to understand as I navigate this world of mine.

Sadness wasn't the only theme of the event. There was happiness, honesty, presence and warmth in the pearls flowing from my eyes. The kind of emotional release that reminds me that I am a human. That I've made mistakes, that I am good, that I am kind, that I have a beautiful life in front of me if I respect it, believe it and nurture it.

With a quick splash of cold water on my face, I slinked back into bed and into the warm cocoon of covers that I'd say are just about the only exciting thing about being in a long distance relationship. 

The soft red glow still illuminating the room and the peek of sunlight through my bedroom window sent me back into several hours of sleep - the quality sleep that I can only describe as the nap you take after your Thanksgiving meal. 

When I woke up for the second time on Sunday, the haze had lifted like it always does.

I snuck away to my favorite coffee shop for some quality "me" time.  Suddenly, everything felt better.

The rest of the weekend was amazing, I just wanted to tell you about what happened when I woke up too early on a Sunday morning.

How You Make Them Feel

I don't know that my words should take the stage today as I have one of my favorite Maya Angelou quotations to share. May she rest in peace.

Words matter. Actions matter.

But words and actions are just ingredients. 

Nothing is more important than being aware of the way that your words and actions make others feel - because the feels are what form the interaction and bond between us human beings (and even animals!).

Do less harm. 

Do more good. 

Spread your love, your kindness and all of the good feels you can offer. 

Sprinkle that shit everywhere.

Silence is Better

Twenty days sober. 

I'll be getting a little personal today, so if feels aren't your thing then you've been warned to avoid the mush below.

Today we're talking about my sobriety from a boy who has cooties.

Ha, sorry - you didn't think I was talking about booze did you? Oh no, I've had my fair share of imbibing this month thank you, dinner whoring. 

I'm twenty days sober from a love that swept me off my feet. A love where two souls were drawn together by magnetic force.

In what felt like the fastest six months of my life, we met, we fell in love, we started to plan a future and abruptly struggled to find the words to say goodbye. Twenty days ago after much trial and error, we finally figured out how.

How could I say goodbye to the one who made my heart beat a little faster? The one who made my feathers puff out to their fullest? Goodbye to the one who encouraged me to be unapologetic about being the quirky and awkward Jessi I can be? The one who changed the way I look at myself and the way I look at others?

Silence. That's how.

One of the first things my long-distance lover gave me was a magical pair of rose-colored glasses. These glasses that he convinced me to wear gave the world a different girl than the one you see today. They made me believe that I had found the very best for me. That I had accomplished everything I was ever going to. They made me believe love was enough. They stifled my vision of a beautiful family that was all my own.

The greatest injustice that these glasses did was that they actually made me close my eyes.

Late in the month of January this year he decided to let me take the glasses off. I blinked my eyes and finally got a glimpse of the reality I'd ignored. I could see the life I was giving up. I could see the dreams that were no longer within reach.

I could see, which meant that my eyes were finally open. 

Quite ironically, he was the one who convinced me to have the strength to never settle. Opening my eyes made me realize that a future with him would be exactly that; settling.

So for twenty days now, there's been silence.

No contact, no communication, no ignored texts and no missed calls.

This doesn't mean texts haven't been drafted or songs that mean something haven't been played. It doesn't mean that this blog isn't what he reads first thing in the morning or my instagram isn't the last thing he checks at night. But it does mean that I'm on the road to recovery and I've never felt better.

And do you want to know some amazing things have come from this blissful silence?

- More focus at work

- Quiet time to myself in the evenings (to find gifs and Netflix binge, duh)

- Freedom to date (Sup, Portland?)

- Better workouts

- More beautiful blog friends (and more amazing comments each and every day)

Thanks for sticking around with me today. 

20 days is a huge milestone and it feels like I'm onto something. 

Enjoy the silence, friends.

Three Important Rules

Lately I've been hawking Pinterest for some good Words. 

On the hunt for the words that make me feel something. Words that make me stand up for something. Phrases or ideas that make me pause and think "Hey, that's the kind of person I want to be. A mantra that I can get behind." 

From "more sleep, more exercise, more love" to "enjoy the little things", there's also some good meaty depth like this gem that I uncovered last week. Incredibly relevant right now in my life and quite worthy of a share today. 

1. Do not promise when you're happy.

Big big big mistake. Promises are huge. If we can't keep a promise, what can we keep? We all know that it's easy to promise the world when you're clouded with endorphins and rose colored glasses. When everything looks up, you look up as well. This is "clouded" judgment and it's really unfortunate to think of all the times I've happily promised something and let people down - even more difficult to think of the times that it's happened to me. Be genuine with your promises, they will follow you. 

2. When you are angry, do not respond.

Duh and duh. My application of this rule has gotten much better with age and with newly acquired patience. I can be pretty temperamental if I'm tested or questioned, so when I feel backed into a corner emotions can escalate quickly. When you find yourself upset, angry or emotional in work or personal life - take a step back to assess the situation, do not make any sudden moves and certainly don't say anything that you can't take back later. 

You can take the word "respond" in this rule to actually be "react", because we all know actions can sometimes speak louder than words. 

3. Do not decide when you're sad. 

This one is pretty hard and something I've always had a bit of a struggle with. When emotions are deciding for you, you'll often rob yourself of the opportunity to make a rational choice in full clarity of your mind. Sad feelings have left me in relationships too long, stopped me from getting out of situations and potentially changed the course of my life. Deciding when you're sad is like emotional suicide - where your heart is telling your head what to do even though your head is the one that knows you best (at least that's what it tells you because it has the college degrees, right?). 

Good luck with your new knowledge!