Thursday, March 20, 2014

Silence is Better

Twenty days sober. 

I'll be getting a little personal today, so if feels aren't your thing then you've been warned to avoid the mush below.

Today we're talking about my sobriety from a boy who has cooties.

Ha, sorry - you didn't think I was talking about booze did you? Oh no, I've had my fair share of imbibing this month thank you, dinner whoring

I'm twenty days sober from a love that swept me off my feet. A love where two souls were drawn together by magnetic force.

In what felt like the fastest six months of my life, we met, we fell in love, we started to plan a future and abruptly struggled to find the words to say goodbye. Twenty days ago after much trial and error, we finally figured out how.

How could I say goodbye to the one who made my heart beat a little faster? The one who made my feathers puff out to their fullest? Goodbye to the one who encouraged me to be unapologetic about being the quirky and awkward Jessi I can be? The one who changed the way I look at myself and the way I look at others?

Silence. That's how.

One of the first things my long-distance lover gave me was a magical pair of rose-colored glasses. These glasses that he convinced me to wear gave the world a different girl than the one you see today. They made me believe that I had found the very best for me. That I had accomplished everything I was ever going to. They made me believe love was enough. They stifled my vision of a beautiful family that was all my own.

The greatest injustice that these glasses did was that they actually made me close my eyes.

Late in the month of January this year he decided to let me take the glasses off. I blinked my eyes and finally got a glimpse of the reality I'd ignored. I could see the life I was giving up. I could see the dreams that were no longer within reach.

I could see, which meant that my eyes were finally open. 

Quite ironically, he was the one who convinced me to have the strength to never settle. Opening my eyes made me realize that a future with him would be exactly that; settling.

So for twenty days now, there's been silence.

No contact, no communication, no ignored texts and no missed calls.

This doesn't mean texts haven't been drafted or songs that mean something haven't been played. It doesn't mean that this blog isn't what he reads first thing in the morning or my instagram isn't the last thing he checks at night. But it does mean that I'm on the road to recovery and I've never felt better.

And do you want to know some amazing things have come from this blissful silence?

- More focus at work

- Quiet time to myself in the evenings (to find gifs and Netflix binge, duh)

- Freedom to date (Sup, Portland?)

- Better workouts

- More beautiful blog friends (and more amazing comments each and every day)

Thanks for sticking around with me today. 

20 days is a huge milestone and it feels like I'm onto something. 

Enjoy the silence, friends.


Kait said...

congrats my love! proud of you, you're one strong lady :)

Kathy @ Vodka and Soda said...

OMG the fact that you included DM's enjoy the silence which is my all-fave band and one of my most fav songs just pumps you up 10 notches in my book.

realizing certain things now rather than later takes a lot of guts but DOING something that is right for you even though it doesn't feel like it takes grit and COURAGE. keep your chin up, buttercup; time heals all wounds (as cliche as that is, it's true).

Vodka and Soda

Melissa Suggitt said...

Here's to another 20 days of beautiful Jessi focusing on herself!

Love you boo.

brooke lyn said...

they say it takes 21 days to form habit. so close. also daily grace lurv. that is all.

Alex[andra] said...

Keep doing your thing girl. Ain't no one going to bring you down!

These gifs are all awesome, btw.

Amanda Elizabeth - Meet @ the Barre said...

Girl....I give you such credit. My last um...we shall not speak silence is the only way because those little texts here and there....all it does it slowly drive you insane. Your gifs are perfect! Mark always asks about my blog friends and I'm like "you just don't get it!!!!!" ;-) xoxoxoxo

Tracey said...

This post is so beautifully written. You are brave and strong and I applaud your twenty day sobriety. I wrote a post on breakups that has helped a few people if you're interested. I've been EXACTLY where you've been.

Christina said...

Breakups are so tough when they're happening, but the best thing once you've recovered. I loved that my most recent one really got me to figure out who I am, what my passions are, and honestly, to get back in the gym. I never looked better after my break up and I always joke about needing someone to dump me so I can get fit hahaha. That's terrible. But stay strong! The silence will be easier. And keep drinking wine. That fixes a lot. hahaha

Jordan said...

Break ups are so hard. I've never gone through one that was smooth or easy or graceful. Keep it up and we'll celebrate again in another 20 days because that's fantastic. It's so hard not to pick up the phone or write a letter, but it sounds like you are much better off. Very proud of you for staying strong! <3

MacKensie said...

Ahhhhh I love this. I love you. Perfectly said. I'm so proud.

his little lady said...

Oh Netflix binging! Love it :)
xo TJ

Amanda - Voyage of the MeeMee said...

Good for you, friend! One day at a time. I'm here for the good ones and the bad. :)

Daleian said...

Keep going, girl!
And yay for more workouts and new friends! :)

Katie Elizabeth said...

Good for you girl! Stay strong!!

jessica said...

Stay strong! Great work!

Lauren said...

Cold turkey is HARD but sounds like it was the way to go. Way to stay strong and hey, you make dinner whoring sound like fun :) Let this old married lady live through your adventures!

Him & Me (But Mostly Me) said...

Good for you!!!!! And good luck dating - do it well and do it often! :)

Jessica said...

Stay strong! I just got off that road and you've said - it feels great to focus on myself and finally move on.

Jessi @ Jessi's Design said...

If you are on the road to recovery and happy then keep on keepin on- you go girl!! (blogging community makes you feel like you know them more than real life people hahaha love it)

Ashten @alwaysashten said...

We've all been there, lady. Trust me. You aren't alone and it's so hard to let go but once you do it gets better. <3

Kayla Moothart said...

I love this. I think realizing that it would have been settling is such a huge deal. So many people see it as compromise, and yes, in every/any relationship there has to be that. But settling is different than compromising. Go you. You're so strong.

Ashley said...

Here's to staying strong for many, many more days! You're awesome! Keep focusing on yourself and life will only get better :)

Myra said...

Good job, lovely! Way to stand up for YOU. It's hard now, but when you look back, you'll always know you did yourself justice.

Kristen said...

way to go lady! boys can suck sometimes (understatement of the century) but kudos for you for stepping away and staying sober. also, all the gifs = all the laughs

P!nky said...